Failed

Y'know...I'm not the type to be showing people Im sad and such...so its hard to tell with me, usually I just sit there or whatever, I stare out daydreaming or listen to music...or at least force myself to smile but this time I really can't....B.S I probably say that all the time.

I don't know... Something inside doesnt feel right...The guy I love...yeah we're dating know...is apparently Bi now...cuz of Frida...you know...yeah...and....I dont know...It just hurt to know that maybe I haven't been doing much at all. I asked If he was going to break up with me he got confused...He didnt answer it till lator on when I started feeling sick and he thought it was because of that.
I'm not sure if it was..probably..I usually get really feverish If I end up thinking a lot or wanna cry or etc...I don't know...

Not like any girl...I think...but i got troubles in the summer...and even though I should probably feel shitty..dont get me wrong..I am but...I feel horrible for making him feel useless...Even when I was sick I still wanted him to stay..i guess his brother came home early....so i left after...

Knowing me...pfft...I dont know...I don't know myself anymore either...All I know is that I'm not allowed to cut myself or die...it's going to be hard to get any sleep tonight thats for sure...probably gonna cry..or just doze off since im actually etremely tired..i'm just trying to get more sick then I already am...

back to him...well...The news...was pretty big...but I feel like I've lost him so soon...Like he would leave me...but really I hope he doesnt..unless he finds someone else he's happy with.
To tell the truth...he's actually the first guy I've ever liked this much...even though he's older then me and all...but it's true.

Right now I feel so hurt and shitty like im a glass with one crack thatll just make the whole vase shatter letting all that water drown...
I feel like I've lost him to someone else to make matters worse mom got on my nerves....NOW...I really don't care what happens to me, I could be slapped by my brother and I wouldnt care...I would but when I end up in my room I wouldn't...I could be grounded for more then the summer...I dont care I'll have my chances to come on when I have to do a project....

I've lost inside...All systems failed.....

I think it's just my head talking but its true...in a way.. I dont know.....I'm just tired..I think..


" I Want To Feel Your Embrace Yet I Don't.
I Hate You Yet I Always Love and Loved You.
I Want You To Tell Me It'll All Be Okay Because You'll Be There.
If You're Happy With Somone Else Then Leave Me Behind,
But Take Me With Your Memories. "

...Night

~MoyashiLotus

Love & Life

Hey guys...long time Since I've ever updated this....well just wanna say...so far I've healed with everything else. ^^

But saddly, the love part of my life really does suck in a way...Lets just say I really...like...love this guy who dated my cousin...but they're over....and he loves me...but it's just confusing how everything turns out.
You know how I said I wouldn't waste my tears on just anybody, well this time, I wasted my tears on a guy...pathetic me right? Crying for Love. Well, I can't really say that myself, feelings are the strongest power you have I think and it takes over your body and will make you feel weak so I do...and I still do cry until I don't know...My heart's healed and everything's clear. *smiles a bit*

Seriouslii guys...I can't stop thinking about him. He's in my mind, in everything I do. My friend had to slap me just to get my attention, even yelled at me to stop thinking about him. Yeah right like that can happen, she just made me think about him even more. OH! And we were playing some game where she would ask people random questions about their personal stuff and somehow she ended up asking me who I like....I choked. I seriously choked! and she knew and some other people were around...But I managed to say his name after 30 seconds of silence..No, Im not going to mention his name...mainly cuz...I don't want to. ^^"

I wasnt really going to mention this but....Tika...my friend that was asking the questions...told me...uhm...*coughs*....got some bad imagination in my mind and was showing and making some very inappropriate noises *coughsmoanincoughs* and I figured out what my...sex noise was...really Pervy I may say..Grah! its in my mind again! o////o....>////<

okay, so I haven't been the happiest girl around, in fact all through my school days I havent been "Happy" at all, only at Annie & Tika's grad I was really laughing, and whenever I hang out with some friends you dont know about at all. At school I've been, I dont know, as my bro Danny says, Quiet, truly unlike me since I am never quite, most of the time jumpy and around the place 24/7, now..I dont know, I've just become a bookworm staying quite and reading books. Not like me, but when Im quite usually I think about him. Haha....today during 4th period I was thinking about him and outta nowhere I started crying, I didn't notice since I was still staring out into space, my friend Josh A told me, scaring me half to death with coming from nowhere, I didn't answer just wiped my tears away before anyone else saw me being well, a crybaby as my brother likes to call me. Shows how powerful emotions are.

During 5th period, still thinking, didnt cry that time, just thinking and fell asleep since my eyes were stinging, yeah, I always get sleepy whenever I'm done crying and it was a free period anyways.

Last period, Still thinking but I was playing volleyball with my friend, doesnt matter it was still on my mind as always for half of it I think I was lying down and staring up at the plain blue sky...thats when I really got to thinking deep about him. See? when Im alone and thinking thats a danger zone for me to be crying but i didn't cry to my surprise just stayed quiet.

the rest of my day...hmm...well still thinking about him. then getting home, chatting with friends for 3 hours went inside, got into trouble, and yada yada. boring.

Well, g2g meh buds. itts sleepy time for me and i cannot stay up late anymore. >.<

and btw! if you have a youtube account add me! I made a new one, a sweeet and simple one
"WishxHope"

" Words Are Words. Actions Are Actions. I've Shown Actions and Said those 3 Words of I Love You. And I Do."

Naito [ Night. o.o ]


~ MoyashiLotus

Tears

Who knew that when you cry...for someone so very important....it hurts...It hurts a lot!

Yeakeh. Im crying..still...as always...I cant take it!...r
I've Kept these tears long. enough for my eyes to sting...til I cry...then thats when it really hurts...Sure. I let it all out But what about tomorrow?!

... Nothing's gonna stop me from crying cuz I just cant control my tears or emotions...I'll keep letting the rain fall.

And I always gotta feel so weak while crying....

I'm so sick of this...but what can I do but stay in the battle field and continue to fight...even with the lack of energy I have...
Once again...I don't need any help from anyone...
No one will know my problems...cuz their kept to myself...I'm the only one there is to fight this stupid thing...even though I need help...
I'll either end up winning this battle.
or Ill be falling and loosing it all on my own.

I Want To Forgive...But How Can I When I'm So Scared To...?



~ MoyashiLotus

Screw Happy Endings

Heya blog people...or whoever's reading...haven't written one of these in awhile...heh...
well...I've just been busy with AnimeNorth, cosplaying which was FUN btw and then drama at school. *sighs* but my friend Lydia wants me to write a blog so she can know what's on my mind since...I can always let things on my mind go freely here...
and as the title says...Screw Happy Endings. Meaning This won't be a happy blog.

Yeah...after AnimeNorth...and after Sunday. Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday...haven't been good days. I haven't been on good terms with meh bro bro Daniel.
Here's the story: Day 1. Monday. He was annoying me so I said I wouoldnt talk to him

but I was just joking then a friend of mine Haneen says otherwise and says stuff like I wouldnt do. but I took not talking to him for a week as my challenge. and so far. I havent. but...worse thing comes to worse.
Im so pissed at him!...and Im not gonna say this to anyone cuz...well I know people from my school will read and annoy me and ask if Im okay or if anything's wrong. or just spread the word.


The thing is, I would like to talk to my bro and forgive him even if he didnt know what he did. Yeah, I'm not stupid I know he doesnt know what he did, he just wants me to talk to him.
But I can't Im scared too...
I tried talking...but my mouth wouldnt move and I just talk way too softly....Instead...suring french I mouthed Im sorry...to myself and to him?...Im sure he didnt see even if he was just sitting right across.... But oh god...I am scared to ever forgive and talk to him.
I'm such an idiot too....I always cry...like after he's around and tries to say sorry....After he leaves I feel real bad and just cuz I wanna talk to him, I get some pain and end up crying...I hate crying in class or showing Im weak to anyone...so Like normal girls, I hides under my hood and wrap my arms around my face...and lay my head on the desk.
But me...being the idiot one...hadda to that....
I need meh old Bro...Mikey...I need him now to tell me everything's gonna be okay...but I know if I were to talk to him...It would hurt...Member...I hate talking about them, to them...anything that includes them nowadays....But I always loved his comfort...I remembered the last time I cried while he was around. He told me to smile or else the world would frown. I thought it was stupid but it made sense...then the jokes came...which made it better....
Losing the both of them sucked.....and I still dont have em....
But I have memories...and Daniel....
He acts like Michael...in a way to me....
If I lose Daniel like I lost...Mikey and Steph....Then I've truly lost most of my family...and I've lost another dear one.
I know what you're thinking....what about Annie?
Yeah...Annie's going to High school while Im left in middle school...well..it's life. CHEZ LA VIE.
So...Ill get used to it...and live with it...but i gotta live one more year with Daniel.....

I don't know...it just hurts...A lot...so I dont need any other drama.
In my eyes. not talking to Daniel make other people in the school happy.
I dont know. Haneen seems glad about it cuz now she gets to talk to the boys without me hanging around them much and she can laugh with Daniel and all that she wants. Tamyka, well, she hated any girl talking to him and I bet she still liked him since she's his ex...so I bet she's smirking and having a god dam great laugh about this.


I don't know...but should I....keep trying...?
Should I keep trying to talk to the dude?
Should I open my mouth...?
....I don't know.
I would like to laugh and smile and talk to him and make him laugh again to but.
ableh...Im one less person he needs to care about. there are a million other people he can care about besides me.

I needa be there for meh sis Jen, Okto, Annie, Lydia...we're all having tough times. and I'm fighting this battle with myself everyday. I don't know If I'll win in the end. but sis [any of u guys who r readin this]...I'm trying. I'm trying to win this war or battle that I'm having to fight. to speak. to really smile. to be myself again.
It's harder then it looks and I will reject any help offered. For this one time...I have to fight this war on my own without any help because it's me that I'm facing not just random person I meet on a battle field. it's ME v.s. ME... this battle decides my next step, whether I win over my depression and coming back to normal or staying quiet for a longer period.

but I just want all of you to know...I'm trying. I'm trying my best till the end. I'll fight for my family which I believe will always be there for me in the end no matter what. *slight smile*
because I know you guys will always be there for me...That's why I'll keep on fighting.

Note To Jen: I know you're tired of everything..how fake people are...but you know, that you're also facing a war that you can't loose just yet...and I'll always be the first to slap you if u go unconcious. *huggles her* Cuz I'll be around for you physically and mentally. you know that. Dam Mini Moyashi, take care of yourself!!! >.< Note To Lydia: Even though dudes have broken your heart and are idiots for who they are and how they are, I know I can count on you cuz ur teh best sis, with advice and everything. I luv you and you know what. there will one day be someone out there for you. ^^

Note To Okto: Thank you a tons big sis. *hugs her* You always make me smile which always make my day, even when Im having a crappy day I know coming to you can alway put a smile on meh face when randomness is around. Arigatou. ^^

Note To Annie: My worrys-a-lot big sis...Imma be fine when you leave. and I thank you a lot. more then anyone around. you're always there no matter what the sitch. Im glad you always were around to protect me and tell things were going to be okay. Don't forget to keep in touch once u go to HS...Imma miss you A lot. *smiles*

and....lastly I guess....

Note To Daniel: Bro Bro...Before the shittyness...I still gots to thank you cuz well...u always had the magic to send away my problems with the jokes and pervyness, and that takes a lot...and with all the shit u have going on Im surprised u had time to actually make me laugh....well..thanks. cuz I do wish u best in everything. and I do care for u and just cuz I dont talk to u doesnt mean I dont care...SO SMILE AND LAUGH GOD DAMMIT!!!


....only notes for people I have for now I guess....No..i don't get a happy ending cuz Im still fighting this war in the rain till it ends. it won't end till the cloud is cleard and the rain has stopped and my face has been cleared of water and blood.

I don't control my emotions when it comes to sadness since I barely cry...so it all happens on its own...

well like always...I should go now..before I stay up latore then 2 am.

and just so you know..the whole time through this blog...i've been crying slightly...so I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight...well

Goodnight

~ MoyashiLotus

How To Save A Life

↑ I Edited The Picture Above. ↑


How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

- The Fray

.....It's one of the songs that I can listen to that truly always makes me cry...cuz I cant save anyone's life or make mine any better...current state: Good.
Good is never GREAT or AWESOME...It's the opposite...*sighs* meaning in my own definition meaning
"I'm Okay enough to be living another day."
Yeah..that's the truth.

I don't have a sanctuary anymore. Nope...No sanctuary....well...maybe...I guess...my own safe place is my mind, when I'm asleep...School, nope, I have drama there, again with some haters with my 4 people family. yeah. Like I don't have enough there. I really don't care about school drama much since I'll be leaving that school in a year.
At home!...well...no...not much really...the arguing between my mom and bro has calmed down so I'm pretty good..but I wouldn't call it my sanctuary...at all...
Online!...well...NO
Before it was though...now it's not....I still feel like I'm being talked behind my back...by most people I see on...and in a bad way or something. IDK.

...heh....the only thing that ever comes to my mind is if Im ever going to feel that real pain people want me to feel.
Do people think I'm stupid?
Do they think that just because I act happy and stupid and idiotic that i can't notice the way they are?
That I can't be serious?
That I can't feel that I'm not being trusted or cared for....?
I'm not stupid...I act stupid because...If I didn't...I would never smile...never be happy...and people who do care for me would worry...
I doubt that the people I care about...don't care about me as much....
...Please...To anyone who doesn't care or just wants me dead...just wish me dead already...Im not suicidal...I'm not emo...But if it makes anyone happy...then my death should do it... or at least getting suverely injured....

Really...I dont like writing these kinds of blogs...but I always end up writing them...I write whatever I feel...and Idk..out of nowhere..I felt pain...from my chest...like it wants to break open...heh...think of me as some lotus...then suddenly getting sliced by a Katana...watching my petals fall in dark waters and drowned.
I don't like the thoughts and feelings I write down..but they're true...and If you really knew me..it would make sens...I THINK....Well no...haha...I hide everything under goofy acts and smiles and aces...everything...
...No one knows the real pain inside me...No one knows how much pain I've been in since Tuesday..since that stupid fight....since the day my friend left.....
Since the first problem of this year started...since the last Ive seen my cousins...since the day My grandpa died...since the day my mom's been trying to make me her...since I've been told stupidness....idioticness....since I've been used.....
4 years....I'll start from there...the amount of years I havent seen my cousins....I'm not gonna lie...I miss them...and I hate the years after that whole family issues/fight thing that happened....

I wonder If people believe at a second chance at life...I do...

I'm more or less...emotionless at some subjects...talk about my past and it's always like some sword would go through me and my chest would split AGAIN.
Talk about anything else...I wouldnt really care about...
Talk about my family at home...I wouldnt mind....
talk about specific families I have that arent my real family...well, it depends on which family..but I would have some kind of emotion..Im not so emo with my family in that case.
I just normally dont talk with my real family. BARELY that is.

I may look like im happy and such in a way but on the inside...Im hard, cold, emotionless...and dead. My mind, my world inside...I can tell you something...how I picture it.
Me, in the center, sitting alongside a lake, looking inside it, holding onto my sketchbook, with trees surrounded around, leaves falling, wind blowing and my fngertips inside those "dark waters."
I wouldn't drink that water though...like i said...I want to live...im not stupid enough to think that just because things are rough on me right now...i should end my life, cuz before hand it's been hell...NO.
I'm smart enough to know that...sooner or lator..hopefully, I'll get better...
and...people tell me...problem is, Should I trust them on that?
How can I trust people...If I dont know they trust me?

"Trust...Something having to give out and be gained. a prize to be shared with more then one"

My definition....

...yeah...Im going to sleep in class tomorrow...I've been staying up late lately since I can never sleep....

but..just one request to whoever knows me and is reading this.
Answer me this question the next time you talk to me...
"DO YOU TRUST ME?"

Stupid chest pain....stupid headaches...

*sighs*...well...night guys

- MoyashiLotus

Sickness

...Geh....Okay, here's the deal people...a week ago, I seriously had a bad cold, then it went away for one week and it came back again during the weekend..only this time worse.

I know, people have it worse then me...but it sorta scares me since The swine has been around and all through the week and this weekend I had to eat MEAT...where swine flu comes from pigs..right....so yeah
....Right now I dont even know how Im even writing this blog...I cant feel my arms and legs, My head is pounding, my left eye lost feeling, and my stomach fricken kills!
I cant even swallow or close my eyes without saying "ow" or holding my head.

And one of my friends named Anthony or whatever. TONY...made it even worse, he started telling me the symptoms of swine and saying I have it and grah!
....He keeps saying If I fall asleep I'll end up in a coma or something...literally...I dont believe him...but heh....Who am I to say?

& Anyways, I think certain people would want me dead...or have CURSED me to die or bad things to happen....hmmm....I wonder....If I did end up in a coma...if they would be happy or If they just would say "good for her" and live on a happy life.
...I just wonder...and like I tell everyone who has told me they read my blog...My life isnt so exciting...so maybe, If I did end up in a coma. It'll be somewhat exciting..well, until I die of course.

It's funny too...cuz all day...when I was at some mothers day party my bro's godmother had...I was still feeling sick and besides being on the phone, I was thinking that maybe...if I were to really get so sick...people wouldnt care...well...some people I know will and others wont...
All weekend I felt like someone I care about has forgotten about me and thrown me to the side basically saying Im useless and Im nothing to that person anymore.....
I dont know who....and I know want to even guess...I was thinking about who it could be...but...I dont want to think of it....

So...maybe...getting real sick or hurt...wouldnt make a difference in anyone's life cuz everyone would be happy with one less person living in this world....

Okay....I definitly dont know what Im writing..but arent I at least telling the truth?
I thought I had some of my old family back but then that past appears in my mind and shreds memories and I end up getting this heavy feeling in my chest, like something is about to rip apart...Idk, it's either my senses talking...or Im going completely physco.


All I Can Do Now Is Sit Back, Listen To Music And Wait To Be Ripped Apart By Someone I Care About

~ MoyashiLotus

WOW.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Mwahaha...thats all I wanted to do. XD

Well..less jus say that...I havent COMPLETELY lost contact with my former bro..he calls me once in a blue moon and he's always on MSN LATE on weekends. X__X

And Im loving my new life somehow...like, I am never emo or sad or thinking emoness. Im always acting stupid or thinking really weird. O___O

hmmms....and my fam's become diff too...like, I dont have much contact with Jasdero or Mr. Grumpy Pants anymore...so I guess they're off me list. o__o
And Okto & I dont talk like we used to..I THINK!!...cuz idk. seems diff somehow. o__o
and Steph, well...I just never talk to her. My uncle says she's always out at the library or with her friends. O__O"

Well, at least I got my fam at skewl...who I hafta say. dont really change much. o__o"
Uhm, Jenny and I, we're like, abnormal children near each other...well Im the abnormal she's like "I dont know that lady" kinda person. XD
Annie and I...well we're like tight sisters! She's older, but who cares. XD We're there for one anoder always!
Tammy and I...well..She's my Mini Usa-chan!..LOL yush! I am teh child in the fam!
and My bro Daniel. o__o....MY PERVERTED TWIN!! *hugggles him*..what else can I say? XD

Bwahaha...well thats it about my fam and such...but wither way...I LOVE THEM ALL EQUALLY!!
hmm....I just wonder If They all TRUST me? o_o"
Ableh...Me, me so dumb. >.<

lol...well againzz... g2g....Sleepy Time. V_V"
and NO! JEN! I SHALL NOT GET GROUNDED!! ONLY BRO AND SIS CAN GROUND ME!!! MWAHAHAHA!! >D



~ MoyashiLotus

Swearing/Complaing Blog. o-o

Hey guys!...omg! Today...Friday May 8th 2009!!
Was a VERY good day...besides the gossip of course. XD

Gosh..at school, like...SO MUCH FUN.
Well at lunch recces, Annie, Jenny, Daniel and I, we went to the back of the field and "talked"
and it waz funz.
Like, we were truly acting like a fam...we're the new QUADROPLETS! In the school. it's awesome. 3 girls one boy. 2 Asians, 1 portugese and 1 spanish. LOL
We're a family of adopted kids. XD

well it waz funn....till people started hating. AHAHAHA! who gives a shit?
*raises hand* I DONT!
Really...ever since, ehm..Tues when those two left....I dont give a dam about anything. I could get runned over by a car myself and I wouldnt give a dam about my life about being lost.
I know Im not trusted by people who say they trust me. I can feel it...I know people dont like me cuz I hang out with my bro.
Really, I dont give a dam about their thoughts or whatever the hell they think about.
Cuz it's my life. let me live it in a happier way rather then being EMO/GOTHIC.
Cuz really, I am sooooo SO SO SO SO! Done with it!
People who gossip...they say things to get the other person sad.
People who say shit about the other...say things to get them down.

For both things. They can both be former friends or current friends or foes. But it ends in the same result, them being happy and having a goddam happy life! While the person isnt so happy and they think "omg! wha'd I do? What can I do to solve this? Will I ever be her friend again?"
Again. while they're happy and act all buddy buddy with the rest but forget about the person they hurt.
Dude/dudette...I am so FUCKEN DONE WITH THAT! I've been through hell, I've been told shit about me, I've been accused, I've Been hated onm Ive been glared upon...

I DONT GIVE A FUCKING SHIT ABOUT THAT FUCKINGNESS ANYMORE!!
LIKE SCREW THAT!!!

I am so sick of people thinking that they can do something to the people you care about and then end up being buddy buddy with you. NO WAY!

These are MY RULES!
1. You mess with my family, I will be fucking PISSED!
2. Okay, Hate on whoever I hang with, but dont take it to fucking far!

So far thats all I can think of...but yeah...you get the point...and it's no lie either.
the family thing we got going on...Yeah..we're all kids with issues in our real fam so all we have is each other actually.
So...that fam..I describe as my real fam..cuz whenever I come home...it's just..shit....Idk, I hate it sometimes....My mom and bro argue! My mom smokes like no tomorrow, my bro yells, Im always left alone yelled at. YADA YADA!!!
The rest...have issues I dont want to repeat...but you get my point I hope.

err!...thinking about this pisses me off. -_-...BYE BYE HAPPY MOOD!
Idk...but like...it pisses me off so badly when I hear that this person did this cuz one of my sis is hanging around our bro and they cant hang out with him cuz my sis's friend doesnt like him...LIKE WTF IS THAT?!
...Isnt that just ruining their life even more?!

Arrrg!....I dont like my year...AT ALL!

I get a call from Michael...y'know, the bro that left me...we talked he talked...AND HE CHANGED IN JUST A WEEK!! SO DID MY COUSIN STEPH! LIKE HOLY SHIT!

...It's like I dont know them anymore. T^T

Grrr....what else?

...IDK!!!!

BUT WHOLE POINT IS!!
I DONT GIVE A DAM ABOUT GOSSIP OR TEARS ANYMORE!

SHED A TEAR!
I WONT FALL FOR IT!
FAMILY COMES FIRST IN MY WORLD NOW! IT'S THE ONLY THING I HAVE AND I DONT WANT TO LOOSE! I LOOSE ONE MORE FAMILY MEMBER I SWEAR TO FUCKING ASS GOD SHIT I WILL FUCKING LOOSE MY MIND! I WILL COMMIT SUICIDE AND IF IM TOO WHIMPY TO DO THAT I WILL BECOME EMO AND CUT MYSELF EVERY DAM DAY TILL I HAVE NOTHING TO CRY ABOUT OR FEEL ABOUT..TILL THE DAY I BECOME FUCKING NUMB!

I hope that blew off some steam for me....OKAY SORRY!
I didn't really mean to swear that much or something but...I had all that bottled up and If I were to just...Yeah..keep it bottled Up I would end up saying it out loud sometime. ^^"

SOWWIES!
And If any of my siblings are reading this then...DONT GROUND ME! O~O

~MoyashiLotus

Hey..

Well...Hi again?
haha, it's been a lot of days since my last blog...I dont know why Im writing one now.
I guess just to make sure you guys know im still living and ALIVE.

Yeah, they moved, maybe thats why I havent written, it's hard to really talk about them, my heart really gets sore whenever I just think or even say their name...like right now, Im talking about them and my heart feels heavy, like it's going to fall off andmy tears will never stop...
Nope, no phone calls, no visit...I wont see my 2 siblings ever, or talk to them. Ever.
My family even decresed, half the people dont talk to me anymore. *sighs*
I guess they figured it was no point..and well....at least I talk to Jasdero sometimes, he calls to check up on me, saying it's his job since...Mikey...left me alone here....
and Kevin well.....he just drops by...His uncle's killing him at the store, I dont know what really happened, just that he got into some trouble and they took his comp away. *shrugs*
No matter how I see it, everything's changing.

Those two arent the only ones moving. Next is my special sis Annie.....I hadda find out on my own, and lastly.....Plain idiotic me.....I freaked, didn't take it that hard...I mean, Im pretty much used to people leaving me by now....I lost a lot of siblings and family....FRIENDS.

*sighs*...At least I kept some, but...it doesnt feel the same, y'know?
Well. Look at it like this, A flower, with all it's petals, but then seeing each one fall of, one by one...what's different?...the petals falling, sure, it lives, but does it really look the same?
No...it doesnt, cuz it's changed, but it's still living.

I swear, sometimes I just want to grab something sharp and....*sighs*....I can't do that....I made a promises to Annie and Okto....and even Frida....screw, I dont care If she doesnt talk to me anymore, I swore to her I wouldnt cut myself...so I wont...unless she doesnt care...then idk...*sighs*
complications, complications, complications.....
Right Now, all i can say is that, the pair of scissors I have in my room are tempting me to just grab them and cut myself, so I could cry and feel pain at the same time...idk why, but it's like i feel like i deserve to be hurting and to be feeling pain.

Aw, man....why am I even talking about cutting myself....*holds head* Im not emo....Im not...Just an idiot.

†Family†
†Sis†
Annie
Tammy
Tori
Oktober
Lydia
Jenny
Tamara

†Bros†
Daniel
Jasdero
Kev
Joey
Kahleel

...that's about it NOW...

At least the memories are around. No wait...Nevermind, I could actually survive better without the memories, one less thing to mourn over. >.< Gosh, I wish I coulda read that poem earlier.

You'll Be Okay.

Losing someone is hard but you'll get over it someday. They'll always be with you in every step you take, every tear you drop and every day that you survive to. You're a lotus and you have to bloom and grow to your full passion. Do this for them and they'll be in your heart.

Dedication : You Know Who You Are. <3

...I wish I wouldve seen that when she first wrote it..but i saw it today...either way, im still in pain and just to see that or she cares without even telling me...it makes me feel a lot better...Makes me confident in that i actually will be okay sooner then how I would actually be...
I can't lie though, there's probably just 3 people who actually care that im in this state I think...erm, Annie? Okto? Lydia?
eh,heh,heh....Im never fully sure of anything anymore...Stupid me....Stupid Beansprout Me....

Oh gosh...Im always being referred to as a Moyashi or Lotus Now...Moyashi by everyone else, Lotus by most of my friends in my class...well it's pretty cool, i have a relation to Kanda and Allen...

and another thing! Do you know that I hate beyonce now?..idk why....brings bad memories...and I hate Yoruichi from bleach too! Arg!...idk why, again with the memories thing....Im really surprised I dont hate d.gray man....but I can never look at Lavi Or Lenalee anymore...
and it's hard for me too refer to Timcanpy as a guy now...but i'll get used to it since Timcanpy really is a boy. ^^
And yeah....im trying out new Anime...I went back to Ouran since it's the only Anime that ever makes me laugh so hard and Im trying out Pandora hearts stil. ^^

Ne,ne...I think I spilled my heart out enough...I need sleep...more then I've gotten...I barely get any, but I NEED SLEEP!....I'll See If I Can Type a happier blog next time. we'll see. =P

Write To Yeah Latorz

~ MoyashiLotus

Happy Blog? o_o"

Ok, screw it, im not gonna leave you guys with a gothic, darkish, pissed offy blog. -_-

Besides the emoness, and I do mean it when i mean emoness!
Besides all that,
I have something to look forward to this weekend, I'm sleeping over my friend L-kun's house!8D
Hopefully, her and her stubborn ways can get all this off my mind...for the weekend at least.

We're going cosplay meterial shopping on saturday! 8D
Im gonna be at her house at Friday night, she's picking me up around 7. goshy's can't wait!
Lol, wanna know something funny? XD
My mom kicked both me and my bro outta the house this weekend.
she's going out with her friends saturday night. XD
My bro's staying over my cousin's house and Im staying over my friend's house, well I think of her as my cousin since I've known her since I was born, so all my life. ^^
and she got me into anime too and D.Gray Man. o__o

wow...L-KUN ROCKS MY SOCKS OFF! 8D
lol, From the two of us, Im the hyper one and she's the one who doesnt talk much but makes jokes, kids around,plays video games and so on and so forth. o__o
lol, i like that too!! But if you were to actually see us, we would look nothing like that.
I dress like a fricken preppy. -_-
and she looks gothic. lol, we're teh ODD FRIENDS! 8D

AGAIN!! I can't wait till Friday, also cuz, I get to go half day to school, cuz
1. I gotta pack.
2. Im too sick to participate in gym.
3. Needa get ready. >3
4. I want to
and
5. I wanna have time to talk to peeps before the weekend. 3 days with no comp? o__o IDK.
6. 1 MORE THING!...I GOTTA HIDE MY PRECIOUS LP FROM MOM AND BRO! XD

yush...i am the annoying one of the bunch in my fam. ^^
but now im also the only younger teenage girl...only 2 teenage girls in my fam. o_o

well, no, there's more, but yeah, we had some fam problems so we had to split, like they were taking sides.
I havent seen half of my cousins for about 5 years now. *sniffles* ;_; I miss them.

ableh..what was I talking about...?

Ah, yesh! teh sleepover...well we're gonna get really creative and make Ulqiorra's[i think thats how you spell it.] cosplay from bleach, my friend was gonna cosplay L, but she wants to cosplay Ulqiorra and I said she can and I can help and thats what im gonna do. 8D
For my cosplay well...i was gonna buy it, but NAW, Im gonna go as Allen Walker, casual look, so what he would wear without his uniform, i have everything complete except for the wig, a red ribbon, and a pair of white gloves...pray for me. Im scared of not making a very good cosplayer. V_V"

LOL Funniest thing we're gonna do is...MAKE FREE HUGS SIGNS!!!! YAY!!!
We want to get hugs from cosplayers..Like last time!..I HUGGED EDWARD WLRIC LAST TIME!!
But this time it's our chance to ask cosplayers if they want hugs! 8D
please hope my shyness doesnt take over....aw, I wish I had my bro there, he would motivate me or ask the guy or yell, or something and If I had my sis there o.o, gosh! I might as well just run up to the cosplayers and ask for a hug myself! . But they'll be gone by then. T-T *sniffs* ...still hurts to think about it...I know I said I was gonna accept it but, it aint that easy. I can tell you that...*sighs*

Um yeah...back to before.
I hope my shyness wont take over, Im really gonna need hugs. ^^
Oh! and maybe We'll get to know some people there. =D

well, ive been typing for awhile and I should get some sleep. Night.

"Understand what is really being heard. Put yourself in other people's shoes."


Ttyl guyz


~ Moyashi

Confused

Fck....Idk why but once I got home it was like a bad feeling went by. The move is another, the feeling of being guilty for the new msn and such is another...then My bro's still upset, I worry for him with his behaviour, it cant be pretty and I dont think I mentioned what he did last night...
he came to my house grabbed my camera deleted all his photos from there and even my computor, I just sat there and watched it go by, I never really noticed what he did till I looked at my comp and camera myself...he even took the pics I had in my album....
I was upset with him for doing that...but I can see why he would do such a thing, I dont blame him...I can tell myself he was crying that night...his eyes were red.
Then that same night he told me to stop calling him such names like Usagi or Usa-chan, like he doesnt want to be remembered like that anymore.....

I was on the phone with him today...he tried acting all happy, never works for him...then I ended up talking to my sis cuz he went outside in the RAIN with no jacket to kick the ball around and blow of some steam, yes of course the idiot got SICK. -_-
I really hope he's alright though. I hope his parents dont trust him less as it is, he doesn't need that at all.

...Don't ask about the blog before....Idk what's gonna happen or If any trust and such will ever build up ever again. My mind says one thing My heart says another. I swear it used to be so easy when i used to think with both mind and heart, now it's confusing between mind and heart...Using metaphors If you don't know. ^^

GRAH! Life's so confusing and frustrating!...I have no hapiness in me anymore. -_-
The only times I used to actually really smile was around my fam...about 2 months ago, now it's all falling apart and in a really bad way...Yeah...NO POSITIVE THING IN THIS BLOG TODAY!

And people say Im supposed to be the happy one.

Grrsherness, Ive been sick at school all week and like barely smiling, today we had an assembly and I had to red some stuff and people thought I was DEPRESSED. Idk if it's with what's going on or If it's just me. *shrugs*
At least I won the cooperation award. Im in a babyish middle school. dont ask. -_-

Well, wish me luck with the future, cuz I have a feeling it wont be pretty with what's coming to me at all...I hope it wont end up like that. I've been crying enough as it is [Most of the week/month] *sighs*

...w/e.... I guess....
YO NO ESTOY IMPORTANTE!! :'(

~ Moyashi

Half/Half O_e"

Hm, yeah...you know me...being the emo one now a days. XD
naw, so not me to cut myself, but one things for sure.
My mood can be brought down easily o.e"

Arg!! today, one of my sibs doubted another of my sibs. [internet friends]
saying he wasn't real and he was a fake..like frig, that there pissed me off, and really brought down my mood to a ZERO.
Okay, I know things have happened to her with her other sis who she REALLY cares about. [another internet friend]
But still!! I could be having my own problems Ive got to still deal with and I know she was in a bad mood but yeah...couldn't she think of my feelings? I wasnt in a good mood either even though it seemed like it. Yeah, Im the kind of person that keeps things bottled up and helps other...friggin hate that. -_-

Again, I didnt show it that I was in a bad mood so she took it out on me..AND IM YOUNGER THEN HER TOO!! ARGH!!! Man I was pissed...Like then 3 sibs...saying she hasnt seen em and she thinks they're not reall people...like..wtf?! It's not their fault, their parents are fricken strict, I SHOULD KNOW! And then it seemed like she was asking me all these questions like I knew..I didnt wanna fight with her so i didnt protect yelling they were real...i was letting her think whatever she wanted then she questioned me like bad cop good cop....god dammit.
I have more problems to deal with then that and her sis, it's one and I care..but still!...*sighs*
I knew she wouldnt let it go, and I didnt wanna deal with it so....I made a new msn. -_-
And when I told My bro, one of the "fake" people. -_-
Yeah, he got sooooo upset, he didnt bother wanting to tell the other two, and i didnt want to.
again, he was upset and said some things that are really too sad to retype or anything...but those words did hurt him cuz it really wasnt his fault and he thought they were the inseperable trouble twins or something, idk...well yeah..he's hurt, but he got over it.

Sad part is...him and one of my sis's family they're moving to the U.S ... dont ask those two are REALLY close friends so they like go everywhere, now thats what i call INSEPERABLE.
But yeah...they're like my parents and they're leaving me here.....I told them how I felt
and they comforted me...I cried but they said it would be okay and they would call me...and I trust them to do so and it's like what they say "If you love something, You gotta let them go."
I agreed to it...saddest part!...they're moving on TUESDAY...it's soo soon! and Im busy this weekend...so I'll probably only get to see them on Sunday Night and a bit of Monday...but thats it. then they leave....ugh...and then someone foes saying they're fake....thats what got to me. T^T
It's okie anyways..I bet she'll be forgiven. O~O



Yeah! Back to before!...I made a new msn, then added the people I wanted to. Happy kinda people. 8D
well yeah...and when I did make that new msn...it felt like a new beginning. ^^
I had some fights with friends, i told her I wanted a restart with the friendship and she agreed and idk everything felt like new. =D
I even felt more happier. ^^

I talked with tons of people and idk..it seemed more happy! and my mood went from sad and sighing from Happy and giggly. o___o
it's like....weird...I never thought it would be THAT easy.....Im thinking of getting new accounts and such everywhere. ^^

Idk...today was a weird Day...like a half/Half personality. o__o

LOL Maybe. XD

Well Ttyl. Bye. ^^

~ Moyashi

Bad/Good o.o

§• S¤I¤L¤E¤N¤C¤E •§

Silent Whispers
Silent Tears
I Wonder What Else I Have To Fear.
Silent Night
Silent Goodbyes
I Hope I'll Never Get To Hear A Last Good Bye.


†• W*I*S*H*E*S •†

†I Wonder When I'll Get To See Those Smiles.
†The Ones That Make You Want To Smile.
†I Wonder When I'll Be Able To Hug You.
†To Know You're Safe And Happy.





Some Poems I had in mind to type.....
*sighs* Not so much in the happy mood, meh you can probably tell from the poems. -_-"

Well yeah...happy part is, a friends gonna live. [Not talkint about what happened. >.< ] Bad part is. I know too much sick people. >.< [ Not gonna talk about that either. -_- ]

Errrrr...I hate the hospital and doctors they freak me out, but they help people so you gotta trust them. Dx Well..today I got scared. Heard non-stop coughing and voices like they were fading.*shivers* I didnt like that sight or anything and all those pescriptions.. UGH! *twitch twitch*

Im gonna breakdown, either yell, or scream or just stay away from the comp cuz coming on never helps me. I dont know why...I should try it one day, just stay away from the comp for awhile. ...............................Okay, yeah,...THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE! *clings to comp* This thing is like my baby! Ask anyone who knows me! IM ALWAYS HERE!!...MY COMP! RAWRZ! ;_;

Oh wait...Lol, lemme tell you the good Part at least. I have a sleepover to go too this weekend starting Friday with my friend. Remember that Anime Con? Anime North?..Yeah well..we going meterial shopping on Saturday!! 8D Yeah...we're not gonna buy the costumes/cosplays we're gonna try being creative and make them!...Wish us luck cuz, I don trust myself with a sewing needle.

For example this could happen

Me: *holding Needle* Ooooh! Shiny point! *pokes it* OWIE!!! ;__;

Friend: Moya-chan!! I told you not to fiddle with that! gimme! *grabs it* OW! NOW I HURT MYSELF!

Me: AH!!! WE'RE BLEEDING!!! CALL 911!!

Friend: THAT WONT WORK!! *runs to the kitchen*

Me: Then what? ;__;

Friend: *comes back with towels* AH HA!

Me: ;__;"

Friend: *starts cleaning the floor* MUST.CLEAN! *_*

Me: ehto...What about my finger? o.o"

Friend: GO TO THE SINK THE FLOOR HAD OUR BLOOD ON IT!

Me: OKIE!

....yeah...you can see why you should NEVER trust me with pointy sharp things. o__o" lol, hopefully we're not so stupid enough to bleed at all. ^^" well naw, my friends responsible she'll probably be taking care of the needle while I do some other artsy crafty stuff like....getting the pieces together! 8D Oh well, not long till the con..MAY 23!!! WOOT!!! CANTS WAITSY TILL THE CON!! GONNA GET FREE HUGS!!
LOL Yeah, we're making signs saying "Free Hugs!"...Gosh I hope Im not shy to do that. I WANNA HUG SOME COSPLAYERS! =D...ESPECIALLY A KANDA! IM GONNA PROVE THAT KANDA HAS A SOFT SIDE! >=D

Gosh...Im so lonely now a days...I HAVE NO HANG OUT GROUP AFTER SCHOOL!!
My bro is always busy now >.< and my sis is always with my bro....NO THEY ARE NOT DATING!! O.e" [Sorry Jen I know you want them to date. XD ]

HAHA!...Well Yeah..I think thats all I gotta say for today well...Asta La Way Go? o.o

LOL

Bye! <3

~ Moyashi

My Family. ♥

hmm..welll I noticed that, Im always put into A LOT of families. o,o

...

Yeah so. Im in a lot of families lately and to tell you the truth, it's pretty awesome to be in a fam.
Im in a lot of them.
One with My friends at school, like 3 gr. 7s, with my 2 older bros named Joey and Daniel and My self, we're the gr. 7s, then my older sis Tori.
Man, it's no joke, when they're you're family they CARE!
No lies, when I was going to my locker, my big sis Tori was all like "hey whats wrong?" and trying to look at me and I would just ignore her, I eventually told her on MSN.
and then in class I was all emo looking and my big bro Daniel was trying to make me laugh and I wouldnt but he tried anyways and kept trying, I still didnt laugh or smile though. YESH! I AM A STUBBORN CHILD!...-_-"
Uh, just so you wont forget I'll make some lists showing the fams. ^^

School Fam
Big sis
-Tori <- HUGGLES! 8D

Big Bro's
-Daniel M <- Naw, you dont wanna know..IM INNOCENT! XD
- Joey <- We don't get along. o_o"

Ableh..well...thats my school and my everyday fam I guess...but when I get home it's...different.
I have 3 other different families, the normal one including me, my REAL bro and my mom, then the one with my cousin as my overprotective big sis and her friend Michael as My annoying big overprotective bro...well actually those two are like my VERY overprotective parents. No really, they act more like my parents then my ACTUAL parents. o.o"
There's more..but yeah. I dont wanna add. XD

LOL then there's my other family..gosh it includes a lot, and yesh, they're all OLDER then me, ill just tell you their names..heres the list!

At Home/Online Fam =O
Big sister's
-Steph < -We're cousins, but we treat each other like sisters! =D
-Oktober <- MY HYPER BIG SIS! >D
-Frida - My Pervy sis =3
- Nadine <- Run from the short trouble maker.=O
-Annie - YATA!! MY PERVY BUDDY! MY OTAKU SIS! AND THE PERSON TO STICK TO!! xD

Big Brother's
-Michael - MY FIRST EVER BRO/PERCY BUDDY!!! YATA!!>D
-Kevin - Dude's always silent >.<
-Gabriel - RUN FROM THE FRILL HOLDER o_o"
-Andrew - Smarty Pants ^_~
-Jasdero - RUNAWAY FROM HIM! =P
-Devitto - FUNNY BRO! ^^
-Tyki <- Got nothing to say. =S
-Allen <- I like throwing pies at him >D
-Seb <-Scary dude O.o
-Grell <- Has an obsession with me sis Okto. >.>..MUST.KILL *_*/XD

OMG! And how could I forget my school ANIME FAMILY?! 8D
Gosherness, you'll never guess, kay, at the start, i began a OURAN HIGH SCHOOL HOST CLUB fam an there are 3 people who were in it first, it was me, Annie and My friend TAMMY!
I was Tono and they were the twins. the family is complete but..the rst sorta dropped it, we keep it going. WE GOTS TO SPREAD THE LOVE! XD

Original Anime FAM at school. >3
Me! <-> Tamaki
Annie <-> Hikaru
Tammy <-> Koaru

BWAHAHA! My fam's rock!
We SHAL RULE TEH WORLD AND SPREAD TEH LOVE! >3

...Imma stop before I type anymore. o.o"

~ Moyashi

One Of my videos...the only amv Im actually really proud of. I hope you like it, I worked really hard on it.

Me

Okay, hi...as you can see, this is my first blog, im a noob at this, but my friend says this is her hobby and it helps her. I'm Not trying to copy her, but maybe Once in a blue moon I can write my problems somewhere. y'know where it wouldnt be discussed by the whole world and ruin my life. so I thank a bunch to her.

Well Here goes...

My real name's Melanie, but Call Me Moyashi. ^_^
Moyashi means Beansprout in Jap.
Lol dont ask, I watch Anime and Ive been addicted to a show called D.Gray Man, the main charactor is called Allen Walker, and this other guy named Kanda calls him a Moyashi/Beansprout cuz he just hates his guts I guess. o_o
Well yeah, I roleplay Allen even though I am a GIRL, and somehow I got the name Moyashi by a few friends. ^^

I make AMVs or Anime Music Videos who those who don't know what that means, check em out, search my name up on youtube XxAnimexLuvrxX. Im not good but it's another hobby I have, next to Drawing and writing, and I guess blogging a bit? o_o

Yeah, im a total Anime freak, dont hold it against me, Im hyper when I want to be cuz of that part of my life. According to some of my friends Im a total Gundam Seed Otaku and D.Gray Man Otaku. I don't see it.
And yes! I do love fictional/Animated Charactors! ZOMG! How can you people not?! It's just like loving Edward Cullen from Twilight. XD
Lol, i roleplay charactors whether they're a guy or a girl, and I cosplay/dress up as them, lol well I WILL. I'm going to be cosplaying Allen Walker, casual dress up at Anime North 2009! I'll be going with one of my bestest Buddeh. She'll be cosplaying L from Death Note! WOOT! I Can't Wait! 8D

mmm, what else can I say?...Uh okay, I love to draw, Im not exactly good at drawing, but its another hobby so I get to do it a lot. My friends love my drawings, including some teachers, oh well, i cant blame them for liking them.
I like creating my own sayings. They're like really short though and sometimes a whole poem. lol, maybe one day I'll post them up, you'll have to wait and see. But I promise I'll post them up sooner or lator If I ever come back that is.

Okay! The way I live...well..not much to say, Im Christian-Catholic, I speak spanish? o_o
erm, well yeah, thats how I live..oh! and about like negativity anf positivity and stuff and always using metaphors, but again, thats it. ^^"

And lastly about my troubles..jeez, there's a lot. I hate it so to speak. Currently im in some sorta friend drama with a 2 other good friends. I really hate it. I feel so fricken Emo.
Like, at school, I dont talk and when I come home, it's like a spells been broken and I can smile and laugh cuz I have family that bring happines..yeah, I never mentioned but I have friends that I call my brother or sister, like my buddies Michael, Oktober, Annie, and my cousin Steph and more. I don't know why but they make me happier then my friends at school, like whenever I have a bad day the only thing I ever think of at school is "Is class over yet? I wanna go home and talk to My Fam." lol, I'll tell you more about my happy friends/family and there ways in another blog maybe.
*sighs* But right now with my peeps at school...yeah...I dont know, I feel like I cant trust most of them, mainly I only trust like, 3 good friends and the other 2 that want me back are saying these things they dont actually do or mean it...I dont know, we'll see what happens lator.
I'll probably get pissed off during the week or feeling emo so I'll tell you then.

Sorry If what i wrote has mistakes and all, my grammar's really bad in so many ways, and im too lazy to check over my spelling. =P

Well, I'll write to you latorz. Ttyl!

~ Moyashi