Screw Happy Endings

Heya blog people...or whoever's reading...haven't written one of these in awhile...heh...
well...I've just been busy with AnimeNorth, cosplaying which was FUN btw and then drama at school. *sighs* but my friend Lydia wants me to write a blog so she can know what's on my mind since...I can always let things on my mind go freely here...
and as the title says...Screw Happy Endings. Meaning This won't be a happy blog.

Yeah...after AnimeNorth...and after Sunday. Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday...haven't been good days. I haven't been on good terms with meh bro bro Daniel.
Here's the story: Day 1. Monday. He was annoying me so I said I wouoldnt talk to him

but I was just joking then a friend of mine Haneen says otherwise and says stuff like I wouldnt do. but I took not talking to him for a week as my challenge. and so far. I havent. but...worse thing comes to worse.
Im so pissed at him!...and Im not gonna say this to anyone cuz...well I know people from my school will read and annoy me and ask if Im okay or if anything's wrong. or just spread the word.


The thing is, I would like to talk to my bro and forgive him even if he didnt know what he did. Yeah, I'm not stupid I know he doesnt know what he did, he just wants me to talk to him.
But I can't Im scared too...
I tried talking...but my mouth wouldnt move and I just talk way too softly....Instead...suring french I mouthed Im sorry...to myself and to him?...Im sure he didnt see even if he was just sitting right across.... But oh god...I am scared to ever forgive and talk to him.
I'm such an idiot too....I always cry...like after he's around and tries to say sorry....After he leaves I feel real bad and just cuz I wanna talk to him, I get some pain and end up crying...I hate crying in class or showing Im weak to anyone...so Like normal girls, I hides under my hood and wrap my arms around my face...and lay my head on the desk.
But me...being the idiot one...hadda to that....
I need meh old Bro...Mikey...I need him now to tell me everything's gonna be okay...but I know if I were to talk to him...It would hurt...Member...I hate talking about them, to them...anything that includes them nowadays....But I always loved his comfort...I remembered the last time I cried while he was around. He told me to smile or else the world would frown. I thought it was stupid but it made sense...then the jokes came...which made it better....
Losing the both of them sucked.....and I still dont have em....
But I have memories...and Daniel....
He acts like Michael...in a way to me....
If I lose Daniel like I lost...Mikey and Steph....Then I've truly lost most of my family...and I've lost another dear one.
I know what you're thinking....what about Annie?
Yeah...Annie's going to High school while Im left in middle school...well..it's life. CHEZ LA VIE.
So...Ill get used to it...and live with it...but i gotta live one more year with Daniel.....

I don't know...it just hurts...A lot...so I dont need any other drama.
In my eyes. not talking to Daniel make other people in the school happy.
I dont know. Haneen seems glad about it cuz now she gets to talk to the boys without me hanging around them much and she can laugh with Daniel and all that she wants. Tamyka, well, she hated any girl talking to him and I bet she still liked him since she's his ex...so I bet she's smirking and having a god dam great laugh about this.


I don't know...but should I....keep trying...?
Should I keep trying to talk to the dude?
Should I open my mouth...?
....I don't know.
I would like to laugh and smile and talk to him and make him laugh again to but.
ableh...Im one less person he needs to care about. there are a million other people he can care about besides me.

I needa be there for meh sis Jen, Okto, Annie, Lydia...we're all having tough times. and I'm fighting this battle with myself everyday. I don't know If I'll win in the end. but sis [any of u guys who r readin this]...I'm trying. I'm trying to win this war or battle that I'm having to fight. to speak. to really smile. to be myself again.
It's harder then it looks and I will reject any help offered. For this one time...I have to fight this war on my own without any help because it's me that I'm facing not just random person I meet on a battle field. it's ME v.s. ME... this battle decides my next step, whether I win over my depression and coming back to normal or staying quiet for a longer period.

but I just want all of you to know...I'm trying. I'm trying my best till the end. I'll fight for my family which I believe will always be there for me in the end no matter what. *slight smile*
because I know you guys will always be there for me...That's why I'll keep on fighting.

Note To Jen: I know you're tired of everything..how fake people are...but you know, that you're also facing a war that you can't loose just yet...and I'll always be the first to slap you if u go unconcious. *huggles her* Cuz I'll be around for you physically and mentally. you know that. Dam Mini Moyashi, take care of yourself!!! >.< Note To Lydia: Even though dudes have broken your heart and are idiots for who they are and how they are, I know I can count on you cuz ur teh best sis, with advice and everything. I luv you and you know what. there will one day be someone out there for you. ^^

Note To Okto: Thank you a tons big sis. *hugs her* You always make me smile which always make my day, even when Im having a crappy day I know coming to you can alway put a smile on meh face when randomness is around. Arigatou. ^^

Note To Annie: My worrys-a-lot big sis...Imma be fine when you leave. and I thank you a lot. more then anyone around. you're always there no matter what the sitch. Im glad you always were around to protect me and tell things were going to be okay. Don't forget to keep in touch once u go to HS...Imma miss you A lot. *smiles*

and....lastly I guess....

Note To Daniel: Bro Bro...Before the shittyness...I still gots to thank you cuz well...u always had the magic to send away my problems with the jokes and pervyness, and that takes a lot...and with all the shit u have going on Im surprised u had time to actually make me laugh....well..thanks. cuz I do wish u best in everything. and I do care for u and just cuz I dont talk to u doesnt mean I dont care...SO SMILE AND LAUGH GOD DAMMIT!!!


....only notes for people I have for now I guess....No..i don't get a happy ending cuz Im still fighting this war in the rain till it ends. it won't end till the cloud is cleard and the rain has stopped and my face has been cleared of water and blood.

I don't control my emotions when it comes to sadness since I barely cry...so it all happens on its own...

well like always...I should go now..before I stay up latore then 2 am.

and just so you know..the whole time through this blog...i've been crying slightly...so I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight...well

Goodnight

~ MoyashiLotus