Failed

Y'know...I'm not the type to be showing people Im sad and such...so its hard to tell with me, usually I just sit there or whatever, I stare out daydreaming or listen to music...or at least force myself to smile but this time I really can't....B.S I probably say that all the time.

I don't know... Something inside doesnt feel right...The guy I love...yeah we're dating know...is apparently Bi now...cuz of Frida...you know...yeah...and....I dont know...It just hurt to know that maybe I haven't been doing much at all. I asked If he was going to break up with me he got confused...He didnt answer it till lator on when I started feeling sick and he thought it was because of that.
I'm not sure if it was..probably..I usually get really feverish If I end up thinking a lot or wanna cry or etc...I don't know...

Not like any girl...I think...but i got troubles in the summer...and even though I should probably feel shitty..dont get me wrong..I am but...I feel horrible for making him feel useless...Even when I was sick I still wanted him to stay..i guess his brother came home early....so i left after...

Knowing me...pfft...I dont know...I don't know myself anymore either...All I know is that I'm not allowed to cut myself or die...it's going to be hard to get any sleep tonight thats for sure...probably gonna cry..or just doze off since im actually etremely tired..i'm just trying to get more sick then I already am...

back to him...well...The news...was pretty big...but I feel like I've lost him so soon...Like he would leave me...but really I hope he doesnt..unless he finds someone else he's happy with.
To tell the truth...he's actually the first guy I've ever liked this much...even though he's older then me and all...but it's true.

Right now I feel so hurt and shitty like im a glass with one crack thatll just make the whole vase shatter letting all that water drown...
I feel like I've lost him to someone else to make matters worse mom got on my nerves....NOW...I really don't care what happens to me, I could be slapped by my brother and I wouldnt care...I would but when I end up in my room I wouldn't...I could be grounded for more then the summer...I dont care I'll have my chances to come on when I have to do a project....

I've lost inside...All systems failed.....

I think it's just my head talking but its true...in a way.. I dont know.....I'm just tired..I think..


" I Want To Feel Your Embrace Yet I Don't.
I Hate You Yet I Always Love and Loved You.
I Want You To Tell Me It'll All Be Okay Because You'll Be There.
If You're Happy With Somone Else Then Leave Me Behind,
But Take Me With Your Memories. "

...Night

~MoyashiLotus

Love & Life

Hey guys...long time Since I've ever updated this....well just wanna say...so far I've healed with everything else. ^^

But saddly, the love part of my life really does suck in a way...Lets just say I really...like...love this guy who dated my cousin...but they're over....and he loves me...but it's just confusing how everything turns out.
You know how I said I wouldn't waste my tears on just anybody, well this time, I wasted my tears on a guy...pathetic me right? Crying for Love. Well, I can't really say that myself, feelings are the strongest power you have I think and it takes over your body and will make you feel weak so I do...and I still do cry until I don't know...My heart's healed and everything's clear. *smiles a bit*

Seriouslii guys...I can't stop thinking about him. He's in my mind, in everything I do. My friend had to slap me just to get my attention, even yelled at me to stop thinking about him. Yeah right like that can happen, she just made me think about him even more. OH! And we were playing some game where she would ask people random questions about their personal stuff and somehow she ended up asking me who I like....I choked. I seriously choked! and she knew and some other people were around...But I managed to say his name after 30 seconds of silence..No, Im not going to mention his name...mainly cuz...I don't want to. ^^"

I wasnt really going to mention this but....Tika...my friend that was asking the questions...told me...uhm...*coughs*....got some bad imagination in my mind and was showing and making some very inappropriate noises *coughsmoanincoughs* and I figured out what my...sex noise was...really Pervy I may say..Grah! its in my mind again! o////o....>////<

okay, so I haven't been the happiest girl around, in fact all through my school days I havent been "Happy" at all, only at Annie & Tika's grad I was really laughing, and whenever I hang out with some friends you dont know about at all. At school I've been, I dont know, as my bro Danny says, Quiet, truly unlike me since I am never quite, most of the time jumpy and around the place 24/7, now..I dont know, I've just become a bookworm staying quite and reading books. Not like me, but when Im quite usually I think about him. Haha....today during 4th period I was thinking about him and outta nowhere I started crying, I didn't notice since I was still staring out into space, my friend Josh A told me, scaring me half to death with coming from nowhere, I didn't answer just wiped my tears away before anyone else saw me being well, a crybaby as my brother likes to call me. Shows how powerful emotions are.

During 5th period, still thinking, didnt cry that time, just thinking and fell asleep since my eyes were stinging, yeah, I always get sleepy whenever I'm done crying and it was a free period anyways.

Last period, Still thinking but I was playing volleyball with my friend, doesnt matter it was still on my mind as always for half of it I think I was lying down and staring up at the plain blue sky...thats when I really got to thinking deep about him. See? when Im alone and thinking thats a danger zone for me to be crying but i didn't cry to my surprise just stayed quiet.

the rest of my day...hmm...well still thinking about him. then getting home, chatting with friends for 3 hours went inside, got into trouble, and yada yada. boring.

Well, g2g meh buds. itts sleepy time for me and i cannot stay up late anymore. >.<

and btw! if you have a youtube account add me! I made a new one, a sweeet and simple one
"WishxHope"

" Words Are Words. Actions Are Actions. I've Shown Actions and Said those 3 Words of I Love You. And I Do."

Naito [ Night. o.o ]


~ MoyashiLotus

Tears

Who knew that when you cry...for someone so very important....it hurts...It hurts a lot!

Yeakeh. Im crying..still...as always...I cant take it!...r
I've Kept these tears long. enough for my eyes to sting...til I cry...then thats when it really hurts...Sure. I let it all out But what about tomorrow?!

... Nothing's gonna stop me from crying cuz I just cant control my tears or emotions...I'll keep letting the rain fall.

And I always gotta feel so weak while crying....

I'm so sick of this...but what can I do but stay in the battle field and continue to fight...even with the lack of energy I have...
Once again...I don't need any help from anyone...
No one will know my problems...cuz their kept to myself...I'm the only one there is to fight this stupid thing...even though I need help...
I'll either end up winning this battle.
or Ill be falling and loosing it all on my own.

I Want To Forgive...But How Can I When I'm So Scared To...?



~ MoyashiLotus

Screw Happy Endings

Heya blog people...or whoever's reading...haven't written one of these in awhile...heh...
well...I've just been busy with AnimeNorth, cosplaying which was FUN btw and then drama at school. *sighs* but my friend Lydia wants me to write a blog so she can know what's on my mind since...I can always let things on my mind go freely here...
and as the title says...Screw Happy Endings. Meaning This won't be a happy blog.

Yeah...after AnimeNorth...and after Sunday. Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday...haven't been good days. I haven't been on good terms with meh bro bro Daniel.
Here's the story: Day 1. Monday. He was annoying me so I said I wouoldnt talk to him

but I was just joking then a friend of mine Haneen says otherwise and says stuff like I wouldnt do. but I took not talking to him for a week as my challenge. and so far. I havent. but...worse thing comes to worse.
Im so pissed at him!...and Im not gonna say this to anyone cuz...well I know people from my school will read and annoy me and ask if Im okay or if anything's wrong. or just spread the word.


The thing is, I would like to talk to my bro and forgive him even if he didnt know what he did. Yeah, I'm not stupid I know he doesnt know what he did, he just wants me to talk to him.
But I can't Im scared too...
I tried talking...but my mouth wouldnt move and I just talk way too softly....Instead...suring french I mouthed Im sorry...to myself and to him?...Im sure he didnt see even if he was just sitting right across.... But oh god...I am scared to ever forgive and talk to him.
I'm such an idiot too....I always cry...like after he's around and tries to say sorry....After he leaves I feel real bad and just cuz I wanna talk to him, I get some pain and end up crying...I hate crying in class or showing Im weak to anyone...so Like normal girls, I hides under my hood and wrap my arms around my face...and lay my head on the desk.
But me...being the idiot one...hadda to that....
I need meh old Bro...Mikey...I need him now to tell me everything's gonna be okay...but I know if I were to talk to him...It would hurt...Member...I hate talking about them, to them...anything that includes them nowadays....But I always loved his comfort...I remembered the last time I cried while he was around. He told me to smile or else the world would frown. I thought it was stupid but it made sense...then the jokes came...which made it better....
Losing the both of them sucked.....and I still dont have em....
But I have memories...and Daniel....
He acts like Michael...in a way to me....
If I lose Daniel like I lost...Mikey and Steph....Then I've truly lost most of my family...and I've lost another dear one.
I know what you're thinking....what about Annie?
Yeah...Annie's going to High school while Im left in middle school...well..it's life. CHEZ LA VIE.
So...Ill get used to it...and live with it...but i gotta live one more year with Daniel.....

I don't know...it just hurts...A lot...so I dont need any other drama.
In my eyes. not talking to Daniel make other people in the school happy.
I dont know. Haneen seems glad about it cuz now she gets to talk to the boys without me hanging around them much and she can laugh with Daniel and all that she wants. Tamyka, well, she hated any girl talking to him and I bet she still liked him since she's his ex...so I bet she's smirking and having a god dam great laugh about this.


I don't know...but should I....keep trying...?
Should I keep trying to talk to the dude?
Should I open my mouth...?
....I don't know.
I would like to laugh and smile and talk to him and make him laugh again to but.
ableh...Im one less person he needs to care about. there are a million other people he can care about besides me.

I needa be there for meh sis Jen, Okto, Annie, Lydia...we're all having tough times. and I'm fighting this battle with myself everyday. I don't know If I'll win in the end. but sis [any of u guys who r readin this]...I'm trying. I'm trying to win this war or battle that I'm having to fight. to speak. to really smile. to be myself again.
It's harder then it looks and I will reject any help offered. For this one time...I have to fight this war on my own without any help because it's me that I'm facing not just random person I meet on a battle field. it's ME v.s. ME... this battle decides my next step, whether I win over my depression and coming back to normal or staying quiet for a longer period.

but I just want all of you to know...I'm trying. I'm trying my best till the end. I'll fight for my family which I believe will always be there for me in the end no matter what. *slight smile*
because I know you guys will always be there for me...That's why I'll keep on fighting.

Note To Jen: I know you're tired of everything..how fake people are...but you know, that you're also facing a war that you can't loose just yet...and I'll always be the first to slap you if u go unconcious. *huggles her* Cuz I'll be around for you physically and mentally. you know that. Dam Mini Moyashi, take care of yourself!!! >.< Note To Lydia: Even though dudes have broken your heart and are idiots for who they are and how they are, I know I can count on you cuz ur teh best sis, with advice and everything. I luv you and you know what. there will one day be someone out there for you. ^^

Note To Okto: Thank you a tons big sis. *hugs her* You always make me smile which always make my day, even when Im having a crappy day I know coming to you can alway put a smile on meh face when randomness is around. Arigatou. ^^

Note To Annie: My worrys-a-lot big sis...Imma be fine when you leave. and I thank you a lot. more then anyone around. you're always there no matter what the sitch. Im glad you always were around to protect me and tell things were going to be okay. Don't forget to keep in touch once u go to HS...Imma miss you A lot. *smiles*

and....lastly I guess....

Note To Daniel: Bro Bro...Before the shittyness...I still gots to thank you cuz well...u always had the magic to send away my problems with the jokes and pervyness, and that takes a lot...and with all the shit u have going on Im surprised u had time to actually make me laugh....well..thanks. cuz I do wish u best in everything. and I do care for u and just cuz I dont talk to u doesnt mean I dont care...SO SMILE AND LAUGH GOD DAMMIT!!!


....only notes for people I have for now I guess....No..i don't get a happy ending cuz Im still fighting this war in the rain till it ends. it won't end till the cloud is cleard and the rain has stopped and my face has been cleared of water and blood.

I don't control my emotions when it comes to sadness since I barely cry...so it all happens on its own...

well like always...I should go now..before I stay up latore then 2 am.

and just so you know..the whole time through this blog...i've been crying slightly...so I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight...well

Goodnight

~ MoyashiLotus

How To Save A Life

↑ I Edited The Picture Above. ↑


How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

- The Fray

.....It's one of the songs that I can listen to that truly always makes me cry...cuz I cant save anyone's life or make mine any better...current state: Good.
Good is never GREAT or AWESOME...It's the opposite...*sighs* meaning in my own definition meaning
"I'm Okay enough to be living another day."
Yeah..that's the truth.

I don't have a sanctuary anymore. Nope...No sanctuary....well...maybe...I guess...my own safe place is my mind, when I'm asleep...School, nope, I have drama there, again with some haters with my 4 people family. yeah. Like I don't have enough there. I really don't care about school drama much since I'll be leaving that school in a year.
At home!...well...no...not much really...the arguing between my mom and bro has calmed down so I'm pretty good..but I wouldn't call it my sanctuary...at all...
Online!...well...NO
Before it was though...now it's not....I still feel like I'm being talked behind my back...by most people I see on...and in a bad way or something. IDK.

...heh....the only thing that ever comes to my mind is if Im ever going to feel that real pain people want me to feel.
Do people think I'm stupid?
Do they think that just because I act happy and stupid and idiotic that i can't notice the way they are?
That I can't be serious?
That I can't feel that I'm not being trusted or cared for....?
I'm not stupid...I act stupid because...If I didn't...I would never smile...never be happy...and people who do care for me would worry...
I doubt that the people I care about...don't care about me as much....
...Please...To anyone who doesn't care or just wants me dead...just wish me dead already...Im not suicidal...I'm not emo...But if it makes anyone happy...then my death should do it... or at least getting suverely injured....

Really...I dont like writing these kinds of blogs...but I always end up writing them...I write whatever I feel...and Idk..out of nowhere..I felt pain...from my chest...like it wants to break open...heh...think of me as some lotus...then suddenly getting sliced by a Katana...watching my petals fall in dark waters and drowned.
I don't like the thoughts and feelings I write down..but they're true...and If you really knew me..it would make sens...I THINK....Well no...haha...I hide everything under goofy acts and smiles and aces...everything...
...No one knows the real pain inside me...No one knows how much pain I've been in since Tuesday..since that stupid fight....since the day my friend left.....
Since the first problem of this year started...since the last Ive seen my cousins...since the day My grandpa died...since the day my mom's been trying to make me her...since I've been told stupidness....idioticness....since I've been used.....
4 years....I'll start from there...the amount of years I havent seen my cousins....I'm not gonna lie...I miss them...and I hate the years after that whole family issues/fight thing that happened....

I wonder If people believe at a second chance at life...I do...

I'm more or less...emotionless at some subjects...talk about my past and it's always like some sword would go through me and my chest would split AGAIN.
Talk about anything else...I wouldnt really care about...
Talk about my family at home...I wouldnt mind....
talk about specific families I have that arent my real family...well, it depends on which family..but I would have some kind of emotion..Im not so emo with my family in that case.
I just normally dont talk with my real family. BARELY that is.

I may look like im happy and such in a way but on the inside...Im hard, cold, emotionless...and dead. My mind, my world inside...I can tell you something...how I picture it.
Me, in the center, sitting alongside a lake, looking inside it, holding onto my sketchbook, with trees surrounded around, leaves falling, wind blowing and my fngertips inside those "dark waters."
I wouldn't drink that water though...like i said...I want to live...im not stupid enough to think that just because things are rough on me right now...i should end my life, cuz before hand it's been hell...NO.
I'm smart enough to know that...sooner or lator..hopefully, I'll get better...
and...people tell me...problem is, Should I trust them on that?
How can I trust people...If I dont know they trust me?

"Trust...Something having to give out and be gained. a prize to be shared with more then one"

My definition....

...yeah...Im going to sleep in class tomorrow...I've been staying up late lately since I can never sleep....

but..just one request to whoever knows me and is reading this.
Answer me this question the next time you talk to me...
"DO YOU TRUST ME?"

Stupid chest pain....stupid headaches...

*sighs*...well...night guys

- MoyashiLotus

Sickness

...Geh....Okay, here's the deal people...a week ago, I seriously had a bad cold, then it went away for one week and it came back again during the weekend..only this time worse.

I know, people have it worse then me...but it sorta scares me since The swine has been around and all through the week and this weekend I had to eat MEAT...where swine flu comes from pigs..right....so yeah
....Right now I dont even know how Im even writing this blog...I cant feel my arms and legs, My head is pounding, my left eye lost feeling, and my stomach fricken kills!
I cant even swallow or close my eyes without saying "ow" or holding my head.

And one of my friends named Anthony or whatever. TONY...made it even worse, he started telling me the symptoms of swine and saying I have it and grah!
....He keeps saying If I fall asleep I'll end up in a coma or something...literally...I dont believe him...but heh....Who am I to say?

& Anyways, I think certain people would want me dead...or have CURSED me to die or bad things to happen....hmmm....I wonder....If I did end up in a coma...if they would be happy or If they just would say "good for her" and live on a happy life.
...I just wonder...and like I tell everyone who has told me they read my blog...My life isnt so exciting...so maybe, If I did end up in a coma. It'll be somewhat exciting..well, until I die of course.

It's funny too...cuz all day...when I was at some mothers day party my bro's godmother had...I was still feeling sick and besides being on the phone, I was thinking that maybe...if I were to really get so sick...people wouldnt care...well...some people I know will and others wont...
All weekend I felt like someone I care about has forgotten about me and thrown me to the side basically saying Im useless and Im nothing to that person anymore.....
I dont know who....and I know want to even guess...I was thinking about who it could be...but...I dont want to think of it....

So...maybe...getting real sick or hurt...wouldnt make a difference in anyone's life cuz everyone would be happy with one less person living in this world....

Okay....I definitly dont know what Im writing..but arent I at least telling the truth?
I thought I had some of my old family back but then that past appears in my mind and shreds memories and I end up getting this heavy feeling in my chest, like something is about to rip apart...Idk, it's either my senses talking...or Im going completely physco.


All I Can Do Now Is Sit Back, Listen To Music And Wait To Be Ripped Apart By Someone I Care About

~ MoyashiLotus

WOW.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Mwahaha...thats all I wanted to do. XD

Well..less jus say that...I havent COMPLETELY lost contact with my former bro..he calls me once in a blue moon and he's always on MSN LATE on weekends. X__X

And Im loving my new life somehow...like, I am never emo or sad or thinking emoness. Im always acting stupid or thinking really weird. O___O

hmmms....and my fam's become diff too...like, I dont have much contact with Jasdero or Mr. Grumpy Pants anymore...so I guess they're off me list. o__o
And Okto & I dont talk like we used to..I THINK!!...cuz idk. seems diff somehow. o__o
and Steph, well...I just never talk to her. My uncle says she's always out at the library or with her friends. O__O"

Well, at least I got my fam at skewl...who I hafta say. dont really change much. o__o"
Uhm, Jenny and I, we're like, abnormal children near each other...well Im the abnormal she's like "I dont know that lady" kinda person. XD
Annie and I...well we're like tight sisters! She's older, but who cares. XD We're there for one anoder always!
Tammy and I...well..She's my Mini Usa-chan!..LOL yush! I am teh child in the fam!
and My bro Daniel. o__o....MY PERVERTED TWIN!! *hugggles him*..what else can I say? XD

Bwahaha...well thats it about my fam and such...but wither way...I LOVE THEM ALL EQUALLY!!
hmm....I just wonder If They all TRUST me? o_o"
Ableh...Me, me so dumb. >.<

lol...well againzz... g2g....Sleepy Time. V_V"
and NO! JEN! I SHALL NOT GET GROUNDED!! ONLY BRO AND SIS CAN GROUND ME!!! MWAHAHAHA!! >D



~ MoyashiLotus