How To Save A Life

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How To Save A Life

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears you
And pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life
How to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life
How to save a life

- The Fray

.....It's one of the songs that I can listen to that truly always makes me cry...cuz I cant save anyone's life or make mine any better...current state: Good.
Good is never GREAT or AWESOME...It's the opposite...*sighs* meaning in my own definition meaning
"I'm Okay enough to be living another day."
Yeah..that's the truth.

I don't have a sanctuary anymore. Nope...No sanctuary....well...maybe...I guess...my own safe place is my mind, when I'm asleep...School, nope, I have drama there, again with some haters with my 4 people family. yeah. Like I don't have enough there. I really don't care about school drama much since I'll be leaving that school in a year.
At home!...well...no...not much really...the arguing between my mom and bro has calmed down so I'm pretty good..but I wouldn't call it my sanctuary...at all...
Online!...well...NO
Before it was though...now it's not....I still feel like I'm being talked behind my back...by most people I see on...and in a bad way or something. IDK.

...heh....the only thing that ever comes to my mind is if Im ever going to feel that real pain people want me to feel.
Do people think I'm stupid?
Do they think that just because I act happy and stupid and idiotic that i can't notice the way they are?
That I can't be serious?
That I can't feel that I'm not being trusted or cared for....?
I'm not stupid...I act stupid because...If I didn't...I would never smile...never be happy...and people who do care for me would worry...
I doubt that the people I care about...don't care about me as much....
...Please...To anyone who doesn't care or just wants me dead...just wish me dead already...Im not suicidal...I'm not emo...But if it makes anyone happy...then my death should do it... or at least getting suverely injured....

Really...I dont like writing these kinds of blogs...but I always end up writing them...I write whatever I feel...and Idk..out of nowhere..I felt pain...from my chest...like it wants to break open...heh...think of me as some lotus...then suddenly getting sliced by a Katana...watching my petals fall in dark waters and drowned.
I don't like the thoughts and feelings I write down..but they're true...and If you really knew me..it would make sens...I THINK....Well no...haha...I hide everything under goofy acts and smiles and aces...everything...
...No one knows the real pain inside me...No one knows how much pain I've been in since Tuesday..since that stupid fight....since the day my friend left.....
Since the first problem of this year started...since the last Ive seen my cousins...since the day My grandpa died...since the day my mom's been trying to make me her...since I've been told stupidness....idioticness....since I've been used.....
4 years....I'll start from there...the amount of years I havent seen my cousins....I'm not gonna lie...I miss them...and I hate the years after that whole family issues/fight thing that happened....

I wonder If people believe at a second chance at life...I do...

I'm more or less...emotionless at some subjects...talk about my past and it's always like some sword would go through me and my chest would split AGAIN.
Talk about anything else...I wouldnt really care about...
Talk about my family at home...I wouldnt mind....
talk about specific families I have that arent my real family...well, it depends on which family..but I would have some kind of emotion..Im not so emo with my family in that case.
I just normally dont talk with my real family. BARELY that is.

I may look like im happy and such in a way but on the inside...Im hard, cold, emotionless...and dead. My mind, my world inside...I can tell you something...how I picture it.
Me, in the center, sitting alongside a lake, looking inside it, holding onto my sketchbook, with trees surrounded around, leaves falling, wind blowing and my fngertips inside those "dark waters."
I wouldn't drink that water though...like i said...I want to live...im not stupid enough to think that just because things are rough on me right now...i should end my life, cuz before hand it's been hell...NO.
I'm smart enough to know that...sooner or lator..hopefully, I'll get better...
and...people tell me...problem is, Should I trust them on that?
How can I trust people...If I dont know they trust me?

"Trust...Something having to give out and be gained. a prize to be shared with more then one"

My definition....

...yeah...Im going to sleep in class tomorrow...I've been staying up late lately since I can never sleep....

but..just one request to whoever knows me and is reading this.
Answer me this question the next time you talk to me...
"DO YOU TRUST ME?"

Stupid chest pain....stupid headaches...

*sighs*...well...night guys

- MoyashiLotus